The morning after Christmas by Reuben Abati

“How was your Christmas Day?”
“Comme ci, comme ca”
“What’s that?”
“I am speaking French. You mean you don’t even
understand elementary French?”
“No, I don’t. Speak English. How was Christmas?”
“Low-key. Like this, like that”.
“For me, it was a dead-end Christmas”
“God forbid. May we never have a dead-end
Christmas. I reject it in Jesus name.”
“If you like, summon the Holy Ghost. We have
never had a Christmas like this one. On
Christmas eve in Lagos, come and see people
just going about, many of them aimlessly. The
kind of shopping that heralds Christmas was
absent. For the first time, I could see the real
colour of sadness, frustration and regret on the
people’s faces.”
“It depends on what part of Lagos you are
talking about. If you had been in Lekki or Victoria
Island, you would have seen a different colour.”
“I know. There are two countries in one: the real
Nigeria and the other Nigeria, where people live
in a bubble. But the bubble is beginning to burst
everywhere. With the Naira now N500 to the
dollar, and businesses failing everyday, the pain
is spreading. It was an unusual Christmas.”
“Everywhere jus’ dry. I know some people who
used to hold Christmas parties every December
25. They just decided to postpone it till next
year. But did you at least manage to eat rice and
chicken?”
“Anybody that eats rice these days is very lucky
indeed, with a bag of rice now N20, 000. And you
can’t even be sure it is real rice. I learnt the
market was flooded with plastic rice.”
“Plastic rice? What does that taste like?”
“I guess like plastic. “
“Never heard of that. Plastic rice?”
“To be on the safe side, these days, I only eat
Ofada rice. Local rice.”
“All kinds of things happen during recession.
Plastic rice. Empty pockets.”
“I know something about empty pockets, my
brother. Imagine what I went through trying to
get money from the ATM, two days to
Christmas. I went to about five banks, you’d think
people were queuing for fuel, with everyone
looking anxious.”
“I know.”
“One queue covered an entire street. When I
eventually found an ATM and it was my turn, the
machine just started blinking. I didn’t know when
I started shouting Blood of Jesus, Blood of
Jesus.”
“You should have planned ahead. I don’t know
why people have to wait till the last minute
before withdrawing money. Nigerians should
learn to plan ahead.”
“I did. The ATMs misbehave a lot these days and
they are always crowded.”
“There is no money in circulation. I hear the
Central Bank is broke. The banks are just
managing.”
“You have started, hen? How can the Central
Bank of Nigeria be broke? For the past three
weeks now, the spot price of crude oil has been
over $50 per barrel. That’s some good revenue.”
“May be it is the banks that are broke then. I
just hope nobody has taken depositors’ funds to
go and invest in the MMM.”
“What nonsense!”
“MMM was giving people better returns on their
investments. Even bankers invested in the
scheme. And now that the scheme has been
frozen till January ending, there is panic
everywhere. You would be surprised the kind of
revelations that would come up if the profile of
investors in the scheme is investigated.”
“Nigerians are always looking for quick profit, but
I don’t believe that a bank will invest in MMM”
“Dey there. Look at the way special prayers,
night vigils and deliverance sessions are being
held over this MMM thing. Some churches are
holding get-your-MMM-money-back prayer
sessions, and when you attend those sessions,
come and see crowd! If that Ponzi scheme
should crash eh, a lot of people will commit
suicide.”
“One man sold his only car and invested the
money in MMM.”
“I know. Some people sold their houses too.”
“The MMM scheme is a comment on the
Nigerian banking system. Obviously, Nigerians
don’t trust the banks and their miserable deposit
interest rates.”
“Tell me, did you invest in the MMM?”
“No. But I almost did. I know some people who
made huge profits from it.